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One month.
It's been one month since I have started college. There are happy memories, there are sad memories, and there are moments where life seems so . . . cruel. Though I think every second of life is pretty cruel. Why, why do I always fall for the wrong person? It's not healthy for me, yet not healthy for my heart. Someone please come save me.
I don't even know why I'm even blogging this. I felt like I needed to rant. I felt like I needed to express all my stress out. I feel like singing, but where can I sing perfectly comfortably without caring what other people hearing me. I think I fail at everything in life. I want to win or accomplish at least once in my life. So far it seems like I'm just a failure through and through.
Another thing that kills me is when I don't really have a friend here that I can truly trust with all my heart. I miss Stan and Lizzy. Even when we talk on the phone, it jsut seems like things aren't the same anymore. That they are so far away. That they are leading a different life, while I'm leading another one. I have Max to talk to, but I still miss Stan and Lizzy. Our friendships is a different form of friendship then the one I have with Max. Lizzy and Stan will give me opinion and listen to me; and won't just shrug it off; and will listen to everything I have to say. They won't make fun of me while I'm at the lowest point, they will endure my emoness and stress.
I miss so many things. I miss the pure happiness. I miss my family. I miss the boring part of life.
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I feel like I'm really stupid. Everytime. . .I fall for this one guy that doesn't find any interest in you. . . That thinks of you only as a friend. I never seem to be able to give up though. Each time I get pushed to the bottom of the ocean, and then next thing you know my hope just floats back up to the surface of the water. An endless cycle, repeating constantly.
What am I suppose to do? I want to cry, I want to yell, I want to scream, and I want to give up. I try and try. . . But why isn't it working? Can't he just disappear from my view? Where is the invisible or block or delete button? It's worse now. . . My friend wants me to join this breakdancing class that he's instructing. Every Monday, I will be seeing his face, I will be hanging out with him. Every frisbee game and every hang-out, he's there. It brings up all the hope. I can't even look him in the eye for too long, cause I know I will think of something of it. But in the end, it's just him being friendly and giving eye contact when necessary.
Life is very cruel. The one that you like will never like you back. But the one that you just think of friend starts liking you. Why is it like that? Why can't it just be all happiness? Why can't life goes smoothly with the flow you want? So many things that I want to happen, but nope, it never does. I think it's just my fate. My fate to never get what I want. Life loves to play with my mind, my heart, and my everything. | | |
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Whatever I do or say I can never meet their standards. Everything I do seem to be wrong. Every word I say it seems like I'm being ungrateful. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like I should live my life with as little words as possible. To keep my mouth shut. To put on this expressionless face. Only myself will know what I'm exactly feeling and thinking.
It's not like I'm needed in anyones life. I'm just someone that you all come to when you are bored or when you can't find anyone to talk to. You all don't even include me in anything. You all don't care. I'm always easily replaced by anyone or even anything. I let you all push me around like a toy.
I sit here and listen to depressing song after song. I can't even cry anymore. All my tears have been used up. I don't want to be so weak, so vunerable anymore. I can't seem to smile or laugh anymore. I can't even get mad now. I feel no emotion. I feel no pain. I feel . . . lifeless.
I really what's the point of living sometimes. Hm.
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Unrequited feelings. I should be use to this feeling already. I shouldn't be feeling like this. I shouldn't feel like everything is so hopeless. I can't allow this. . . But in the end, I'm feeling like this. I don't know why I even still like him. I said I would get over him, I tried and you don't know how hard I tried. I thought I was over him. No, I'm not. I have been lying to myself. But it doesn't matter no more. This feeling of mine, how ever long it will last, will stay in my heart secretly. All I wish is their happiness, even if it means for him and her to be together. I put my over a decade friendship before a guy. Even in the end, her and I aren't good friends or close anymore, I will still put her wishes before my own feelings. I will not betray anyone.
I was on the phone with one of my good friend. . .She was telling me about the conversation she and her had. I went from all talkative to silent. . . I pretended I was just silent cause I was reading. I didn't want my voice to betray the tears that were running down my face or my throat closing up with sobs. I knew in the beginning that she never could let go the feelings she had for him and that he still have feelings for her, I don't know why it still affects me to hear it again. It's okay though. I promised myself that no matter how I feel, I want to see them together, to finally see them clear things up, and to see both of them happy. I'm not going to be selfish anymore, I will be a better person. Please God, just wash away the feelings I still have and not let me feel this heartache anymore.
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Why are these tears forming in my eyes? Why? Even if this isn't my problem here, just hearing you tell me what happened makes me cry. I feel for you. I feel your pain. I just don't get why it always happens. You give your feelings out to that one person and that person use that and slap it right back in your face. I don't get why I have been in such a bad mood for the past three days. Maybe all these stuff are coming back again. All these stupid memories. All these things I regrets. Sigh.
I'm just so tired and afraid. Tired of everything and everyone. I always sit here and listen to all of yours problems. I give you all my advices. But I can't even handle my own problems that well. I feel like a hypocrite. You all say that I give out good advices, but I don't know why I don't listen to myself when it comes to my own problems. I'm afraid of falling asleep now. The endless depth of not knowing what will happen next. I don't know when it comes to me. That I feel paralyzed in my sleep. It happens randomly. The feeling makes me feel so helpless, so powerless. I'm scared. I need someone near me, I need someone to care about me, I need reassurance. I need the feeling of safety. I think everything and everyone had drifted away from me already. I'm already isolated. I'm already alone. | | |
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